High Dive

Do you remember when you were little and got on a high dive for the first time? If you're like me, it probably wasn't long after you finally got brave enough to jump off of the low dive and be in the deep end by yourself. That first time for me was at Eno Valley's pool in Durham. My knees got shaky the closer I got to the top. I wondered if I would belly flop and yell like the guy in front of me did. I wondered if I would be able to hold my breath long enough. It was 12ft of water I was jumping into. Fear. Did I jump the first time I got up there? No. Was I able to stay standing to pass the rails? No. Did I get on my hands and knees and crawl back to the stairs to go down? Yes. And, I did not care that there was a line behind me having to wait on me to get down the stairs with my shaky knees. Because of my fear, I turned back and didn't do it.

It took me several more tries, progressing a little further each time, before I finally jumped. I even got all the way to the edge a few times and still chickened out. Finally, one day, I jumped. And, my stomach felt like it was in my throat. I landed without a belly flop and made it up before I ran out of breath. It was awesome! And, I did it again. And, again. And, again. My knees still get shaky as I walk pass the rails. And, my stomach still feels like it is in my throat, but it's so much fun! And, I always want to do it again.

Life can feel like this at times. But, we don't always have the option to go back. The low dive and deep water for me, I feel like, was high school. Then, I got brave enough to head toward the high dive. I got a little ways up the stairs my first year at Elon. And, a little farther when I got brave enough to transfer to App. I actually made it onto the board and walked towards the end when I finished my 4 years and graduated. I don't know if grad school was step back in fear of the deep waters ahead or a few more steps forward. Either way, I am quickly approaching the end of my graduate work and the end of the high dive. However, there is no turning back from here. I no longer have the option to turn around and crawl back down. But, the scariest thing is I can't see what lies ahead. I don't know if the waters are clear, or muddy. Rough, or calm. Or, a mixture of all. All I know is that I have to jump. And, I am scared to death.

I am leaving Boone, but I don't know where I am going. I don't know where I'll be living. I don't know where I'll be working. I don't know. Even as I typed all of these "I don't know" statements my freak out level reached an all time high. You see, I like to be in control and know what's going to happen. However, that's not how my Savior works. He calls me to trust in Him. He knows what the future holds and as long as I am willing to follow His guidance, I'll be fine. The thing is, I know this and I know His plans are best for me, always. I just struggle when it comes down to me putting my total trust in Him; because, like I said, I want control. But, His Spirit quietly whispers to my heart,

"For I know the plans I have for you. Plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made know to God. And, the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

And, let me tell you, His peace really does surpass all understanding. When I run to Him in prayer with thanksgiving, His peace is like no other feeling.

Lord, as my heart and soul worries and is anxious about the future and the unknowns, as my knees shake in fear while I prepare to jump, fill me with your peace. Guard my heart and mind. Take captive of my thoughts and quiet my anxious spirit. Thank you for your peace and guidance. Help me to follow your will. I surrender my desire for control. I know your plans are better for me than anything I could think up. Your will be done. Be glorified through me. Love, me.